


Sacrifice

by ptarn



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Control Ending, F/M, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Hope, Loss, Love, M/M, Other, POV Kaidan Alenko, Paragon Commander Shepard, Past Kaidan Alenko/Commander Shepard, Post-Mass Effect 3, Renegade Commander Shepard, Spectre Kaidan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-02
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-02-27 21:29:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2707442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ptarn/pseuds/ptarn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is done. The Reapers have been defeated because Shepard sacrificed himself to become part of the guiding consciousness behind them. He leaves behind a devastated Kaidan, who has a hard time coming to terms with the death of the man he'd grown to love. However, it soon becomes clear that Commander Shepard may not be as dead as everyone assumed. Whether or not that's a good thing remains to be seen...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Going back

It was done. After a string of impossible missions, all of them successful, after forging alliances no one had thought possible, after bringing together the most unlikely of crews and creating a team the likes of which had never been seen before, it was done. The Crucible had been finished, the biggest fleet ever had been amassed around Earth, against seemingly impossible odds Shepard had made it to the Crucible and now the Reaper threat had been averted in the most unexpected of ways.

Kaidan stood on the bridge, right behind Joker, and watched the scenery change from that of a lush, previously uncharted jungle planet to the cold, harsh darkness of space. It had taken all of his already impressive will power to hold the sorrow at bay, to keep functioning, to keep a smile on his face every time one of his crew mates had asked him how he was holding up. Sure, he’d so much as admitted that he was sad, that he grieved the loss of the man he’d come to know and love, but other than his words nothing else gave his true feelings away.

Because he knew. He knew that if he were to give in to those depressing thoughts, to that overwhelming grief, he’d be lost. He’d fall into a bottomless pit of despair and he was certain that he’d never find his way out of it. Not on his own, not even with the help of the people he’d come to see as his friends, no, his family. He just knew that he’d lose his mind forever.

“Laying in a course for the closest relay.”

Joker sounded anything but convinced that they’d find a working relay, not after the devastating shockwave that had somehow stopped the Reapers. The mysterious energy had had a signature EDI hadn’t been able to identify. When they’d tried to contact the Alliance after the Normandy’s crash had effectively stranded them on the planet they were now leaving behind, she’d discovered that their communications array had been damaged beyond their capability to repair. As such, they were flying blind, and EDI voiced what the three of them were thinking.

“If there still is one.”

Kaidan placed his left hand on the back of Joker’s seat.

“It doesn’t matter.”

His voice sounded hollow to him, empty, as if some essential component had been stripped from it. That thought came close to the truth. Without Shepard, well, he felt hollow. As if a part of him had been lost. Both of them had known their last conversation would be their final goodbye. He’d seen it in Shepard’s eyes. The raw, sinking feeling in his gut when the door of the Normandy’s shuttle bay had closed had proven to be right. Again Shepard had sacrificed himself to save those he’d cared about, those he’d loved, those he’d sworn to protect.

“It doesn’t matter, because we have to try. We owe it to Shepard. To ourselves. We have to see it. I have to see it. I have to know that it worked. That his sacrifice… his sacrifice wasn’t in vain.”

EDI turned her head. The look she shared with Joker told Kaidan that he hadn’t fooled anyone, not for a second. They all knew he was hurting, but they’d given him his space. What else could they have done? What could anyone say to someone who’d just lost the one person who’d been more than a friend, more than a comrade-in-arms, who’d been the person he’d only just confessed his love to?

“Damn it, Shepard,” he whispered.

The fabric of the seat gave way beneath the biotically enhanced force of his tightening grip. Before Joker or EDI could say anything Kaidan turned around and left the bridge. When the doors opened he almost bumped into Samara.

“Major Alenko. I was just-“

“Not interested.”

There was an edge to Kaidan’s voice that made the asari shut her mouth and let him pass. Kaidan rushed past her, oblivious to the sympathetic looks he got, and almost broke the elevator panel when he pressed his hand down on it. Don’t, was all he could think. Don’t. Please. Don’t. He could feel their eyes on his back, could almost hear the soft sounds of Traynor’s mouth opening, closing, opening again, closing again, as she tried to think of something to say. He could almost sense her hand coming closer, any moment now her fingers would touch his shoulder and then he’d break, he’d break and he’d shatter and he’d never be able to-

The elevator door slid open. Kaidan stumbled forward, found the panel without looking and his fingers instinctively touched the button for the top floor. Behind him the door slid shut. He sank to his knees, his hand still on the panel, his other hand on the floor. He had to keep it together. He had to stay in control. He _owed_ it to Shepard.

The elevator stopped. The empty space that lay between him and his destination felt lonelier than ever before. He got to his feet and dragged himself towards the door to Shepard’s cabin. The Captain’s cabin. _His_ cabin now. He dreaded going inside, while at the same time he longed to be in that room. The room that held precious memories, hurtful memories. The sheets that still held Shepard’s scent, that undefinable _human_ smell that was unique to the man who’d saved more lives than most people would ever know.

Silence descended the moment the door closed. He’d never appreciated how isolated this part of the ship was. How much of a sanctuary. A place where a commander could retreat, could leave the heavy responsibilities behind, even if it was only for a few short moments. Kaidan enjoyed the silence. It made it easier for him to control his thoughts, his emotions, to be able to think about Shepard, about _James_ – God, had he ever even called him by his first name? – without facing the fear of falling apart. Here, he could _focus_.

It still felt strange, being here, alone, without his commander. It almost felt like some kind of sacrilege. But it also felt like home. Ever since the craziness had started Kaidan had felt a weird kind of dissociation, as if he’d changed so much that he could never again fit into the mold that had once shaped him. The craziness.

“I wonder if you’d have called it craziness as well?”

His voice emphasized the loneliness that threatened to swallow him whole. He knew he’d never again get an answer, at least not from Shepard, but he couldn’t refrain from voicing his thoughts.

“I wouldn’t exactly have called it craziness.”

With his eyes closed Kaidan could picture _him_ saying it. He could almost hear that voice, that amazing voice, a voice that could be soft, hard, angry, happy, everything in-between, a voice that could inspire you or flay you alive. He could even almost see that face, with the grey-blue eyes, the short, dark hair, with that wonderful, expressive mouth.

“Really? Then what would you have called it?”

It wasn’t real, of course it wasn’t, but it felt good, if only for a short time, to imagine that it was. He sat down on the couch, to the left of the spot where Shepard used to sit. Kaidan closed his eyes once more and there _he_ was, with a hint of a smile on his face.

“Destiny.”

“Destiny? Such a strong word. A heavy word. Did you think it was? Did you think it was your fate? What you were meant to do?”

“Not as such. Looking back I see that moment, the moment the Alliance called upon me, as a defining one. Perhaps at that time I didn’t think of it as destiny, but now? I don’t know. No one else could’ve done it, Kaidan. As Mordin was always fond of saying: It had to be me. Someone else might’ve gotten it wrong.”

“Is that how you see it? That you were somehow _chosen_ to be Commander Shepard? To be the savior of the galaxy? That doesn’t sound like you.”

“No, it’s not like that at all. You misunderstand me. I meant to say that I-“

For a moment the imaginary Shepard fell silent, as if trying to search for the right words.

“I saw an old movie once, when I was a kid. It was about someone who was supposedly destined to save mankind, but that guy? He didn’t truly believe he was. He wasn’t someone _special_ and he certainly wasn’t wasn’t the only one who fit the description of the man who was destined to be the story’s savior. The only difference between him and the others was that, as weird as it sounds, he wasn’t so much the one who fit the description; _the description fitted him_. Through _his_ actions, _his_ decisions, and in turn the actions and decisions of those around him, _he_ became the prophesied hero. Perhaps, if the circumstances had been different one of those others would’ve been the hero. But everything that happened to him changed him, made him able to become someone _greater_. In essence he reforged himself through the faith others had in him. And I think that’s what happened to me. I wasn’t _destined_ to save humanity and every other space-faring species out there. I wasn’t _created_ by some mystical force to stop the Reapers. I was simply me, but in the end I _became_ the savior of humanity, the end of the Reapers. Because you, all of you, had faith in me. That’s what I meant to say.”

Kaidan opened his eyes. He looked at the empty space next to him. Was that really how Shepard would’ve seen it? It made sense, in a convoluted sort of way. To not be chosen, yet become the chosen one. Or rather the fittest one, the best one for the job. It was true; without the Normandy’s loyal crew, without the people who’d grown to be his friends, Shepard would probably have never even made it past Saren.

“Still sounds weird,” he said at last after he’d closed his eyes again.

“That’s because it is. It’s not perfect as far as explanations go. It doesn’t even have to make sense to you, as long as it makes sense to me. And that’s what matters, isn’t it?”

“I guess it does, yeah. Say, Shepard?”

“Yes?”

“Have people ever called you by your first name?”

For a moment it seemed as if the imaginary Shepard wouldn’t, or couldn’t, answer the question. He looked away from Kaidan, let the words linger between them for a little while, until at last he continued in his ghostly voice.

“Maybe they did when I was young. I can’t really remember. My mother still calls me James, though. Not Jim, _never_ Jimmy, but James. Or sweetheart. But I think a lot of mothers say that to their children. I’ve been Shepard for as long as I can remember. People seem to think it suits me.”

Kaidan laughed.

“That’s because it does. After all, isn’t that what you are? A shepard, I mean. You guide and protect people. Help them grow, help them reach their full potential. You help them see the good things, in themselves and in others. It’s what you did for me.”

The ghostly form of Shepard turned its head and smiled.

“I did?”

“Hell yes you did! Before I set foot on the Normandy I was still as confused as the day I was taken away to that facility. I was broken, no matter how hard I tried to hide or deny it. I joined the Alliance as soon as possible because at least they gave me the stability and the kind of focus I’d been lacking ever since the, eh, incident. Life was easy, predictable. Until you came along.”

At that Shepard chuckled.

“And the craziness started.”

“Yeah, you could say that. And then the craziness started. Shepard, you looked after me. You looked after all of us. You made me realize I was more than my biotic abilities. I was a person, and I was worth something. _Am_ worth something. And I doubted you! I attacked you, back on Horizon, accused you of being a collaborator, of being a traitor, while I was the one who should’ve known-“

“Kaidan-“

“No. No! Don’t. Don’t say that it wasn’t my fault! It _was_ my fault, Shepard. I should’ve known better. I should’ve realized that the man who’d treated me with nothing but respect and kindness wouldn’t betray his crew, his own people. I practically slapped you in the face when I said all those horrible things and you should’ve slapped me the moment we saw each other again. But you didn’t. You didn’t hate me for it, didn’t even _resent_ me for it. You were happy to see me again and genuinely happy to hear that I’d been promoted. To see that, to realize that you _still_ thought of me as a good man made feel so disgusted with myself that I nearly broke down right in front of you.”

It wasn’t real, but he felt it. Kaidan felt Shepard’s hand on his own. The look in his lover’s eyes was nothing but kind, nothing but understanding. It almost made him cry, but he managed to swallow it down. After all, this wasn’t real. Was it?

“Kaidan, please. Don’t be like this. We talked about this, remember? I said we were good and I meant it. I understand why you said what you said, did what you did. I was disappointed, yes, because I wanted you at my side to fight our way through mercenaries and husks and Geth and Collectors. But I understood. Besides,” Shepard trailed his hand along Kaidan’s arm, all the way up to his face, “in the end you came back to me. I found you and you found me. For a short time we were together. And that’s all that matters.”

“No.”

The puzzled look on the imaginary Shepard’s face faded along with his entire body when Kaidan opened his eyes.

“No,” he said with a determined look on his face, “it’s not.”


	2. All over again

The shock at seeing Reapers at work to repair the Mass Relay had been nothing compared to the utter horror of seeing one of those massive machines detach itself from the relay and fly over to their ship in what appeared to be an effort to crush it. At first Joker and EDI had tried to turn the Normandy around, but the sudden burst of static on their short range comms, followed by the eerie, booming voice of a Reaper querying them on their status, had convinced the crew that whatever Shepard had done, it had changed the Reapers profoundly.

That didn’t mean it wasn’t still unnerving to see the massive artificial lifeform looming over them while all sorts of little machines zoomed around outside the Normandy, busily repairing the damage the ship had sustained. After a few minutes EDI had informed the crew that the Reaper had told her everything that had transpired after Shepard had entered the beam. Without going into specifics she explained that the commander had chosen to become one with the intelligence behind the Reapers to give them a different perspective, a more human one for lack of a better description, which had ultimately resulted in Shepard’s demise.

Kaidan was already on his way down when he heard EDI’s message. Never before had he been so acutely aware of how slow the elevator moved. He practically leapt through the doors as soon as they opened wide enough and was in the airlock before anyone could react.

“Kaidan, wait! You don’t know what this means, he could be-“

Click. A quick tap against his helmet shut off the short range comms. He pressed his palm against the lock and it opened obediently. Both his Alliance rank and his Spectre-status had granted him command of the Normandy, even though it was still unofficial. Of course EDI could’ve stopped him, but she didn’t. Perhaps she understood why he needed to do this, why he needed to go outside. Because he had to ask. He had to _know_. If there was a chance, no matter how slim, that Shepard might still be alive in some way or form, he _had_ to know.

The air was cycled out of the airlock. The light turned green and the outer doors opened. Silence. The only sound was the sound of his own breathing. He took a step forward. Then another one. Another. Until he could see the hull of the Normandy. It was crawling with little metallic bug-like things. When he placed his right foot on the hull the loud ‘clank’ made those closest-by freeze. Then, as one, tiny blue lights flickered on when a group of the bugs turned to face him.

His short range comm crackled louder and louder before the sound sort of fizzled out. A strange, high-pitched whine followed that made him grab his head and scream in pain. The sound stopped abruptly. A few moments of silence followed. Then the comm crackled again, softer this time. The crackling became more pronounced, changed in tone, until suddenly Kaidan heard words. Words that didn’t make sense, not at first. But then-

“… Alenko…”

His heart stopped. He couldn’t breathe. His knees buckled and he was sure he’d either fall down or lose his balance and float off into space. The bugs responded immediately. Faster than the human eye could see they grouped up and _flowed_ towards him. The living wave enveloped his legs, his waist, his chest. The embrace was gentle, but held enough force to anchor him to the Normandy’s hull. Kaiden felt how the soles of his boots re-attached themselves to the metal skin of the ship. With him safe the bugs retreated. Their blue lights faded as they resumed their duties.

It was as if nothing had happened. Kaidan wasn’t sure something had. Surely the voice he’d heard was nothing but his imagination gone wild. And the way those things had saved him, it couldn’t be-

“… Alenko. Major Kaidan Alenko. I know you can hear me.”

It _was_ him. The voice. It was Shepard. But it couldn’t be. He was hallucinating. He’d fallen, hit his head. He was still back in their, no, _his_ , cabin. They’d never left the planet. They’d crashed. He was unconscious, maybe even dead.

“Alenko. Kaidan. Talk to me. I know you can hear me. Please answer me.”

It was his voice, but at the same time it was not. Something was different. Some undefinable human aspect was missing. Whoever was talking sounded like Shepard. Talked like him, even. But it wasn’t him. Not really.

“Yeah, I can hear you. Who is this?”

Kaidan hoped his voice didn’t sound as tired, as flat as he felt.

“You know who I am. Or rather, who I was. Once. A lifetime ago.”

“… Shepard.”

“Yes. And no. He is part of me. I am part of him. We are one. He changed me. Changed us. Gave us a new perspective. We understand now. Our, my solution was flawed. The man I once was gave us the possibility to incorporate new information into our equations. He showed us the error of our ways. Synthetics and organics don’t have to fall into the same patterns our creators once witnessed. This is the new solution. The cycle has ended. I am the accumulation of all that came before. Shepard sacrificed himself to save all of you. All of us. We are one.”

Again Kaidan’s knees buckled. He shook his head in utter disbelief while he mouthed the word ‘no’ over and over again. This couldn’t be. It was wrong, so very _wrong_! The man he once loved, the man he _still_ loved, was dead and this, this _thing_ had taken his place! Without him even realizing it the bugs had moved like they’d done before, had anchored him again to keep him safe.

“Kaidan.”

The voice demanded his attention, but he refused to acknowledge it. No, he thought. NO.

“Kaidan.”

(Kaidan)

Inside his mind. He could hear this _thing_ , this _monstrosity_ inside his mind. How was that even possible?

“Kaidan, listen to me.” (you have to listen to me)

NO.

“Don’t be a fool.”

(listen to me just listen to me i am here I am still here underneath it all i am still here)

His head, his thoughts felt like they were being squeezed and prodded and stretched at the same time. Images floated in and out of his perception at the edge of his vision, like someone was forcing him to look in a direction that shouldn’t be possible. A presence tugged at his mind. His implants were flaring up, he could feel them, red-hot beneath his skull. A dull headache took shape behind his eyes. He could hear himself cry out in pain, in defiance.

His biotic powers started to go haywire, causing several bugs to be flung into space. Beneath his feet the hull of the Normandy was trembling. He felt as if he was being indoctrinated right here and now, that he and his friends had fallen into some sort of elaborate Reaper trap. Shepard hadn’t made it to the Citadel and the Reapers had won.

“Stop resisting me, Kaidan. It’ll only hurt more. This is the best way for us to communicate. I can show rather than tell. I have that power now. This is not indoctrination. But I could. I could force myself into your petty consciousness. I could dominate you, drown out your will, make you listen to me whether you wanted to or not. But only if you _make_ me.”

(please listen just listen i won’t hurt you i want to talk explain tell you what happened)

Two voices. One in his ears, one in his head. Neither was Shepard and yet they were. He heard it in that last sentence. The implied threat, the cold, unwavering steel Kaidan had heard in the Commander’s voice on several occasions.

“… y-yes…”

It was all he was capable of saying, but it was enough. The massive, invisible weight was lifted from his thoughts immediately. His implants returned to their neutral state, his headache disappeared almost straight away. However, even with his senses and his will returned to him, the living metal carpet that had wound itself around his legs wouldn’t let him go.

“Good. I am Shepard. I am what’s left of him after he gave himself to the Catalyst, to the Reapers.”

(still here i’m still here Kaidan don’t worry i am here i am still here)

“But I am not the one you remember as Shepard. I am more than the sum of his and my parts. I am-“

“Stop.”

It was a small word, spoken softly, but with such vehemence, such conviction, that it shut the Reaper presence up as effectively as terminating the comm link would have.

“Will you just _stop_ for a second and listen to yourself? You’re not _Shepard_. You’re not even _close_ to being Shepard. You’re a fake, a fraud! You may think you’re Shepard, may talk like Shepard – although you still have a lot to learn in that regard – and you may even _act_ like Shepard, but you’re _not_ Shepard! You’re a _monster_ , no matter what you say or do. You took him from us, from _me_ , and this, this _charade_ is nothing but the final insult to the man and the memories of the man he was! James Shepard is DEAD and you’ve merely confirmed that!”

This time when his implants flared up it was because of his own rising anger. Kaidan felt the power of his biotics surge through him. He clenched his fists, felt the muscles in his neck tense and he glared at the Reaper that towered over the Normandy.

“I came here to find out what had happened to him. Now I know. Release me or I’ll crush every last one of your metallic roaches without hesitation.”

It felt like an eternity before an answer came. Kaidan stared at the massive Reaper and he was sure it was staring back at him. Suddenly a visible shudder sent torrents of blue energy cascading along the hull of the Reaper. At the same time the bugs moved away from him with the same speed they’d employed to grab him.

As soon as he was free to move Kaidan turned his back on the sentient machine and made his way to the airlock. Once inside he closed his eyes and rested his head against the inner wall. The airlock closed and the small space quickly filled up with breathable air. He undid the clamps on his helmet and was about to take it off when his comm crackled.

“I am sorry you feel that way, but I cannot undo what has been done. The repairs are almost complete. Both your ship and the mass relay will be fully functional within the hour.”

This time the words weren’t accompanied by that strange, haunting shadow voice that made his heart ache. Kaidan didn’t bother to respond. He removed his helmet, then keyed in the sequence to open the door.

(i am sorry i never wanted to leave you but i am here Kaidan i am still here always here if you want to talk)

“Kaidan, are you al-“

EDI never got a chance to finish her sentence. For the second time in one day Kaidan brushed past one of his friends in a desperate need to be alone. He all but ran to the elevator and ignored any and all concerned questions. The door opened as if to welcome him and he was sure that again it was EDI’s way of letting him know she understood. The time it took to reach the top floor seemed to last forever, but when he finally arrived in the safety and silence of his cabin he fell to his knees and finally broke down.

Contrary to what he’d expected he didn’t lose his mind, not exactly. But he definitely lost _something_ when wave after wave of buried sorrow, anger and pain washed away the last remnants of his shattered hope.


	3. Gone

With the repairs finished and communications with the Alliance re-established EDI relayed the latest news to her crew mates while simultaneously contacting Admiral Hackett to inform him of their status. Like a current of electricity joy spread throughout the ship when it was confirmed that the Reapers were indeed helping to rebuild the damage they’d caused before their ‘change of heart’. However, throughout their happy journey back to Earth there was one member of the crew who didn’t share in the joy.

After his breakdown Kaidan had remained secluded in the Captain’s cabin. Despite various attempts by his friends to lure him from his self-imposed isolation the distraught biotic had kept to himself. EDI of course did keep a close eye on him – even in the Captain’s cabin there were cameras and other devices to monitor its occupants – but after leaving food outside the door three times, only to come back and find it untouched, she’d decided to leave him alone as well.

Kaidan was lost. Lost in the kind of sorrow that could crush a man’s mind and soul if he’d let it. His inner turmoil, fueled by both the knowledge that Shepard was dead (was he?) and his powerful biotic abilities, at times grew to be too much to contain. At those times he lashed out blindly, breaking or even destroying whatever was closest to him. But not Shepard’s things. Never _his_ things. Not his tank, his collection of model ships or the hamster’s little home. Everything that belonged to himself was fair game, but not those. Not his clothes, not his shaving gear, not even that stupid, inert Protean artifact. Although he had tried, twice, to break the damned thing. It hadn’t budged, so he’d used it to destroy other items.

In-between these fits of rage Kaidan sunk to his knees, held his head and cried, at times for what felt like hours. When he grew too tired to either cry or be angry he’d lay down on the bed, the couch or just the floor, and listen. He listened to the sounds of the ship, faint as they were up here, he listened to his breathing, his heartbeat, the sound of his blood flowing through his veins (was that even real?), but most of all he listened to Shepard. He knew his lover wasn’t real, of course he wasn’t, but Kaidan listened nonetheless, and sometimes they even talked.

“You can’t go on like this, Kaidan.”

“Yes,” he said with a cracked voice, his throat sore from crying and dry from lack of fluids, “yes, I can. I feel good, Shepard. I, I feel okay. This is okay.”

“No, it’s not. I worry about you. You’re slowly killing yourself. Is that what you want?”

“Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know. What else can I do? What do you want from me?”

“Mourn me. Say your goodbyes. Accept that I’m gone. But don’t make me into an anchor, like Steve did with his husband. Don’t use me as an excuse to not deal with it.”

“How can I? How can you even say that? You know how hard it’s been for me to, to admit I had feelings for you. It took your constant attention, your not-so-subtle hints to make me feel safe enough to, well, you know.”

He made a helpless motion with one hand, then let it fall to the floor again.

“Kaidan…”

“No. No, Shepard! Don’t you dare make this about me! It’s about _you_ and how _you_ went off and sacrificed yourself to save us! I knew, I just _knew_ it the moment you left me that it was farewell and it was _your_ choice! Not mine, not, not mine. Never mine…”

His voice faded away. The utter despair of that final moment threatened to drown him again. A hand touched it shoulder (it wasn’t real, it couldn’t be, but he felt it).

“Kaidan, please. It was the only choice left. You were in no condition to help me. No one was. I was the only one, there couldn’t have been anyone else. Someone else-“

“-might’ve gotten it wrong. I know. I _know_ , alright? But that doesn’t make it easier. It doesn’t, it doesn’t take away the pain. It’s like I’m empty inside, like there’s nothing left. You took me with you, Shepard, you took me with you and I died that day.”

“But you didn’t.”

“But you didn’t.”

Two very different voices answered him. The hand on his shoulder didn’t fade. It was real. Kaidan blinked and Shepard’s face faded.

“… EDI?”

“Yes. I am here and I will not leave you until you’ve let me help you.”

“Help? I don’t, I don’t need help! I need, I, I want-“

“You want what we all want. You want to hold on to the hope that Shepard is still alive. That he is in there somewhere, in that massive intelligence that controls the Reapers. But I reviewed your communication with the entity that called itself Shepard. It is not him. His speech patterns are all wrong. His inflections, his intonations. I recognize some parts of it, but it is different. It is not him, Kaidan. Shepard is gone.”

Gone. Shepard is gone. It was the truth, he knew it was, but he didn’t want to hear it. Kaidan curled himself into a fetal position. His whole body tensed up, his biotic powers were amped up to maximum, ready to lash out at whoever dared to touch him, to move him.

“And this ends now.”

He wanted to say no, wanted to push away the one person on this ship who’d shown time and again that she understood him, who hadn’t judged him. He was fully prepared to hurt her, slam her into a wall if needed, when he felt a sharp prick to the side of his neck.

“N-no, NO! I, I’m not, I don’t need…”

“Yes, you do. I have spoken to Jeff and the others about this and we all agreed: this has to end. I heard you talk, Kaidan. Your imaginary Shepard was right; you are killing yourself. And we do not want to hold two funerals when we land on Earth.”

Warmth quickly spread through his body. His muscles relaxed. Control slipped away from him and took his anger, his grief with it. His implants powered down. He tried to say something, but the words wouldn’t come. Tired. Only now did Kaidan realize how well and truly tired he was. Sleep came swiftly after that last thought.

 

* * *

 

“How’s he doing, doc?”

Kaidan was sure he recognized Grunt’s low, gravelly voice. Was the krogan worried about him?

“He was severely dehydrated and due to his biotics his body had already begun to consume its own reserves. Thankfully EDI kept a clear head and decided that enough was enough.”

“Good. He is a capable soldier.”

“And a stubborn one.”

The krogan laughed.

“Like a true krogan. Has a hard head. Like Shepard.”

“’The Commander could be stubborn, but he’d never put his health on the line like this. All the Major needs right now is a good rest. That’ll take care of any physical issues. His mental health however, I am concerned about that.”

“Matters of the hart. Nothing a good old-fashioned head-butting won’t solve.”

“Humans don’t head-butt, Grunt.”

EDI.

“Their skulls are too fragile for that.”

There was a short silence.

“That was a joke. Doctor, are you aware that the Major has regained consciousness?”

“Has he? That’ll teach me to get distracted. Major Alenko? Kaidan? Can you hear me?”

Of course he could, but all he wanted was to sleep. He didn’t want to deal with all of this, not right now.

“Kaidan, I have been monitoring your vital signs. I know you can hear us.”

EDI again. He grunted, then shifted around a bit before he opened his eyes.

“Yeah, I can hear you. Just don’t want to talk right now.”

“Of course. Well, you heard the patient. Out with the lot of you! He needs his rest and I’m sure that you, _all_ of you, have duties to perform.”

To his surprise Kaidan heard more than two pairs of feet shuffle out of the medbay. Tali let out an undignified sound when Zaeed said something to her and he was sure he recognized Joker’s unbalanced gait. When the doors closed he turned his head to look at doctor Chakwas, who was smiling down at him.

“All of them?”

“Of course! What did you expect? You’re their friend, Major. We’re a family. A somewhat dysfunctional one, mind you, but aren’t they all? Did you really think they wouldn’t be worried sick about you after your walk on the hull? And if that’s not enough you go off and shut yourself in your cabin for days on end, without food, without talking to anyone. Isolating yourself in times like this is not exactly the smartest thing to do. You need to be among your friends, among people who can at least in part understand what you’re going through. But punishing yourself, and your friends in the process, is not something I endorse and since I’m this ship’s designated chief medical officer, I could even relieve you of your duties and command. I’m sure either EDI, Tali, Joker or even Grunt would support me.”

If anyone else would’ve spoken to him like that Kaidan would’ve either ignored them or would’ve told them where to shove it.  However, hearing such harsh words from someone like doctor Chakwas, well, it was the kind of sobering experience that was known to make people reconsider their choices. He cleared his throat, tried to maintain eye contact but failed miserably.

“I, eh, I wasn’t, I mean, I didn’t think-“

“Exactly. You didn’t think, Major. Which I find quite shocking, actually. You had such a good influence on the Commander. Made him think a bit more than he’d used to. Oh, I’m not saying he wasn’t level-headed, he was just, well, let’s call it eager for a fight. Something to do with his past, I suppose. You do know about that, don’t you?”

“Eh, yeah, Shepard told me about that. Showed me the file and told me I could read if I wanted to. I did. Turns out it wasn’t the whole story, though. I, I’m not sure what you know already, what he may have told you, but-“

Again doctor Chakwas interrupted him.

“Everything the Commander has told me that’s not in his file is confidential, as is everything you’re telling me while you’re my patient. It’s up to you to decide what you tell or don’t tell me, Major. Rest assured that it won’t leave this room. EDI is bound by the same ethics as I am.”

“That is correct,” came EDI’s voice over the medbay’s intercom.

“It is true that I can see and hear everything that goes on aboard the Normandy, but I would never betray the trust of my crew. You know you can trust me, Kaidan.”

At that the biotic closed his eyes and leaned his head back.

“I know. I just, I just can’t. He told me things, maybe you know them, but he told me and swore me not to tell. Shepard, he, he’s dead. He’s _dead_ and I promised him I wouldn’t.”

A long, drawn-out sigh followed his statement. Tiredness was quickly creeping up on him. His otherwise clear voice became softer, his words grew less pronounced with each passing second.

“I’m tired, doc. I want to sleep if that’s alright with you. I’m so incredibly tired.”

“Of course. EDI will keep an eye on you. If you need me I’m only a quick shout-out away.”

Kaidan wasn’t sure the doctor even heard his mumbled ‘thank you’. The lights dimmed the moment Chakwas stepped out of the medbay. It didn’t take him more than five seconds to fall into a deep, mostly dreamless sleep.


	4. Dealing

“Three days? You kept me sedated for _three_ days?”

Kaidan could hardly keep the volume of his voice in check. When he’d woken up doctor Chakwas had not exactly been forthcoming each time he’d asked her about where they were or what time it was. It was only after he’d threatened to use his SPECTRE-status to override the medical restrictions that had been imposed on him that EDI had filled him in on their little conspiracy.

“Don’t give me that look or that tone of voice, Major. You needed it. I made the call and the Normandy’s pilot, who’s your second-in-command since neither Shepard nor you ever bothered to actively implement the official chain of command, seconded my decision. Furthermore, the ship’s AI, also known as EDI, recommended this course of action.”

“The doctor is correct. Had she chosen to not follow my recommendation I would have asked Jeff to actively take command of the ship. Had he not complied I would have asserted my absolute control of the Normandy and would have confined you to the medbay.”

“Wait, what? What the hell gives you, or _you_ -“ the angry biotic pointed an accusing finger at the doctor, “the right to keep me in a _coma_ for _three_ _days_?”

“The right to do what I deem necessary for the health and safety of this crew!”

In spite of the doctor’s smaller stature she managed to not only shut Kaidan up, but also poked him in the chest with such force that he had to take a step backwards to maintain his balance.

“You’ve been nothing but a pig-headed fool ever since we ran from the shockwave that almost destroyed this ship. You’ve been holed up inside that stubborn head of yours for so long that you’ve lost sight of the things that still matter. WE matter, Kaidan! We are your friends and we care about you. And if you can’t be bothered to take care of yourself, we’ll do it for you, whether you like it-“ again she poked him in the chest, “-or NOT.”

The silence that fell wasn’t exactly awkward, but it wasn’t a comfortable one either. It seemed to drag on forever, until Kaidan expelled the air he’d unconsciously been holding in. His whole posture changed; where before he was standing straight, now he hung his shoulders and stared at the ground. The shame and guilt he felt made his cheeks burn. He clenched and unclenched his fists while he tried to come up with something, anything, to say that would make this better, but he found himself unable to. What was there to say? She was right and he knew it. He’d been nothing but an egotistical bastard ever since Shepard, ever since he-

“Don’t.”

This time, when the doctor touched his chest, it wasn’t to poke him, but to place her hand over his heart. She splayed her fingers, then moved her hand upwards until she’d taken hold of his chin, lifted his head and forced his eyes to meet hers.

“Look at me, Kaidan. This, all of this, the anger, the sorrow, the guilt, the shame, everything you feel… Don’t you see we all feel it as well? Joker, Tali, Jack, Grunt, Samara, even Zaeed, even that stuck-up Protean, all of us, we _feel_ it. But no one feels it more acutely, more deeply, than you. Like I said before, this isn’t something you can do on your own. So, when a patient-“ Kaidan rolled his eyes, but Chakwas only emphasized the word again, “-when a _patient_ behaves in a way that’s counterproductive to his mental or physical health, I take action. Which in this case meant keeping you sedated for three days. And it appears that was an even better decision than any of us could have foreseen.”

The look in the doctor’s eyes, the way she alluded to something else, made Kaidan weary at what would come next. Three days. That meant the Normandy had probably been stationed at Earth or the Citadel – if that enormous construct was still present in Earth’s proximity – for most of that time. He also realized that the involuntary bed rest did have a positive effect on him. Even though he still felt a kind of mental exhaustion, he felt better physically than he had ever since he, ever since _they_ had lost Shepard. He straightened his back.

“What’s wrong?”

Chakwas let go of his chin and smiled.

“Now there’s the Major I’ve come to know and appreciate. It’s not as bad as you think, but-”

“You are a hero, Major,” came EDI’s voice from the Normandy’s speakers.

“All of us are heroes, but the public has singled you out as the greatest one. In part due to the Alliance constantly reminding the rest of the universe that you have been a part of Shepard’s crew from the beginning, but also due to the fact that you are the second human SPECTRE who played a pivotal role in defeating the Reaper threat. They have made you into their PR-icon. I cannot fault them for doing so; the other races have treated humans as vermin, a threat or second-class citizens ever since they became a part of the galactic community. Of course there have been exceptions, but even the most benign of races has always viewed you as more of a nuisance than anything else.”

“Yeah, I know all that. So, this is good, right? Us being seen as more than the newcomers?”

“In a way yes, but-“

“What EDI’s been trying to build up to is that for the past three days every single member of this crew has been, well, assaulted by members of the press of every sentient race out there. Turians, Solarians, Asari, Elcor, even a couple of Krogan reporters – although I suspect they’re Wrex’ way of keeping an eye on things – you name it and it’s waiting for us right outside the docking port. And most of all they’re waiting for _you_ , Major. EDI’s handled the requests pouring in admirably. She told everyone that you were critically injured during the last fight and had to recover. However, the moment you show your face, the moment you step foot outside the Normandy’s airlock-“

“-you will have to face a wall of reporters. And I haven’t even mentioned the numerous requests or rather summons, from Alliance command. The Council. The-”

At that moment Kaidan threw up his hands to silence both Chakwas and EDI.

“Alright, alright, I get it. I’m famous. That’s, that’s not exactly what I expected upon my homecoming, but it’ll have to do. I understand why you did what you did, doc. EDI. I’m still not too happy about it, but I understand.”

“I hope you do. Because out there it’ll be hard for us to help you face what’s probably the worst enemy you’ve ever faced.”

At that Kaidan couldn’t help but laugh. It was a harsh, short laugh, but it made him feel better than he’d felt in the previous days.

“Have they harassed anyone?”

“Hah! No one dares to come close when Grunt, Zaeed and Wrex, who actually decided to come all the way from Tuchanka to the Citadel to help, accompany whoever goes outside. I even heard that our darling baby Krogan has head-butted quite a few people. Even some C-Sec officers, or so I’ve been told.”

“Good. Well,” Kaidan took a deep breath and instinctively checked his implants, “let’s get this over with then. The longer I wait, the less inclined I feel to go out there.” “EDI and I thought you might feel that way. If you go to your cabin and put on your armor we’ll make sure we have everything in place by the time you come to the airlock.”

The way Chakwas smiled at him made Kaidan suspect that she and EDI, and maybe some of the others as well, had been making plans for this moment the entire time he’d been unconscious.

“What are the two of you up to?”

“Trust us,” EDI said with a kind of friendly smugness in her tone that he’d never thought he’d hear come from a synthetic lifeform, “we will make sure you will survive this ordeal.”

 

* * *

 

EDI’s words stayed with him all the way up to his cabin. When he was stood outside the door to the room he loved and hated in equal measure Kaidan swallowed a few times before he took the one step necessary for the door to register his presence and slide open. Home. He was home. This was his home. A small room aboard a starship, barely big enough for two people, filled with memorabilia that reminded him about happier time wherever he looked. Most of the damage he’d done to the cabin had been repaired, and the remaining items had all belonged to _him_. To Shepard.

Once more the memories didn’t come slowly; they assaulted him, threatened to overwhelm him. He felt dizzy, swayed from side to side, reaching blindly for the nearest wall to stop himself from falling.

“Don’t,” he said, his voice soft, but firm.

The word was not just aimed at himself, but also at the imaginary Shepard that shimmered into life in the corner of his eyes and at EDI, who was undoubtedly monitoring him.

“Don’t.”

He needed to go through this on his own. He had to face the reality of a galaxy without the Reaper threat, without Shepard. The _real_ Shepard. Around him the room stayed silent. Kaidan slowed his frantic heartbeat by breathing in and out slowly, purposefully, until the dizziness left him and he was able to step far enough inside for the door to close.

“Kaidan…”

The voice was soft, filled with understanding, with the kind of pain Kaidan didn’t want to deal with, not right now. He shook his head as he staggered forward, intent on putting on his suit. His implants flared up, as they always did when he was in distress. At the edge of his vision an insubstantial Shepard, more ghost-like than before, followed his every move.

“You’re not real, Shepard. Please, leave me alone. It’s over. It’s done. You’re not here. You’re not even out _there_. That, that _thing_ that calls itself ‘Shepard’ is a sham. I talked to it. I _felt_ it, inside my mind. It was _wrong_ somehow. It even threatened me with indoctrination! Does that sound like Shepard to you?”

The moment the words left his mouth Kaidan realized how stupid that question was. He’d just admitted that this Shepard wasn’t real, that he was just a figment of his imagination, of his desire to not let go of the man he loved more than life itself. He gritted his teeth and turned away, tried to calm himself, but to no avail. He felt how the anger made his blood boil. The more he thought about that _other_ Shepard, the more he realized how deeply _wrong_ it all was.

“It’s not you, Shepard. IT’S NOT YOU!”

Kaidan whirled around and lashed out at the incorporeal Shepard. His biotics tore the image to shreds, along with the glass casing that held Shepard’s collection of model ships. The outside layer of the carbon-bonded plexiglass of the fish tank cracked. At the same time the lights in the cabin flickered, then went dark. It took several moments for the lights to come back on, along with the stuttering sound of EDI’s voice, calling his name over the intercom.

“-idan, Kaidan, answer me! Kaidan? What happened?”

Along with the power EDI’s internal sensors had suffered major damage, making it impossible for her to assess the situation. Kaidan could actually hear _fear_ in her voice. He sunk to his knees as he took deep breaths to calm himself, to regain control of his biotics. This was getting out of hand. His sorrow, his desperation had all but left him, but the anger that had filled the hole that was left inside him wasn’t something he could call a step forward.

“I, I’m sorry, EDI, I…”

His eyes widened as he took in the damage he’d caused.

“I think it would be best if I were to stay in Anderson’s old apartment.”

He didn’t want to say _his_ name, not here, not now.

(say my name)

Kaidan closes his eyes and cursed silently. He didn’t _need_ this! He needed a clear head, a strong mind, he needed _focus_.

(i can give you focus, purpose, like i have done, like i have always done)

“No, NO!”

He shook his head. His fingers clawed at the cold, unyielding floor. If he wanted to he could bend and break and crush the steel beneath him, disappear into the darkness, forget about everything and-

“… Kaidan?”

It was EDI’s voice, but closer than before. A cool hand touched his face, another his shoulder. There was no prick of a needle, no warmth this time, only a friend’s concern bleeding into him through her touch. It always amazed him how sensitive he was after one of his biotic outbursts.

“I’m, I’m okay, I’ve got it. It’s under control now.”

“Yes. For now. But I think you are correct. A temporary shore leave in Anderson’s apartment might be beneficial to both you and the rest of the crew.”

“Yeah. Unless you want the whole Normandy to resemble this mess.”

He gestured at the cracked glass, at the broken models scattered all over the cabin.

“I am certain you would not let it come to that. Also, Jeff wouldn’t let you.”

The thought of the Normandy’s pilot trying to stop him, brittle bones and all, actually managed to elicit a soft snort from the second human Spectre.

“Well, before it comes to that, I think I’ll take that shore leave.”

“Good.”

Kaidan felt an affectionate pat on his shoulder as EDI got up and offered the Major a hand.

“Do you want my assistance to suit up?”

At that he couldn’t help but chuckle. He took her hand, then stood up. Only then did he realize that his personal belongings – well, those that had survived his outbursts – were missing along, with all of the fish.

“EDI, did you and doctor Chakwas already plan for me to stay at the Citadel?”

The incredibly advanced synthetic life form that currently occupied a humanoid platform put her hands on her hips and gave him a look that he could only describe as smug.

“Of course not. That would mean we had this planned all along, would it not? As a fully sentient AI I would never dream of deceiving my commanding officer. Although Jeff did suggest we should-“

“Alright! That’s quite enough of that. I don’t know what you talked about with the commander, but I’m kind of an old-fashioned guy. Keep private things private and all that, you know?”

“That was a joke, Major.”

Kaidan gave EDI an exasperated look.

“Okay, let’s all have a laugh at the unstable biotic’s expense. Go on then, go and conspire with the doc. I’ll meet you at the airlock in ten minutes. I take it my clothes are on their way to the apartment as well?”

EDI, who was already standing in front of the cabin’s doors, turned around and did something so incredibly human that afterwards Kaidan wasn’t sure it had actually happened; she winked at him.

“They were delivered three hours ago.”

The doors slid shut and Kaidan was left alone, amidst the remains of his outburst.

“Women,” he muttered as he began to change into his battle gear.

“I heard that,” came EDI’s voice over the intercom.

“I know you did,” was Kaidan’s smug reply, which resulted in blessed silence.

Even though he cared a great deal about EDI and the rest of his crew, he wouldn’t miss the feeling of being monitored 24-7. No sir, he thought with a shadow of a grin on his face, not at all.


	5. Revelations

“A press conference? … That’s a joke, right? It’s a joke and I’m the only one not laughing.”

It hadn’t taken Kaidan long to change into his blue Alliance armor – still his favorite armor, because it fitted him like a well-worn glove – and upon his arrival at the airlock he’d been surprised to see that quite literally every single member who wasn’t part of the Normandy’s skeleton crew was present. It warmed his heart, and he felt even better when he saw a few old friends as well, like Wrex, who’d apparently come aboard during his three-day ‘absence’, Jack, Samara and even Zaeed. What was even more surprising was that every one of the people he’d actively served with during the Normandy’s last run was wearing their armor, as if they were all gearing up for a fight. To top it off he’d been greeted by a simultaneous salute the moment he stepped out of the elevator.

“It is not a joke. Every journalist who is currently present on the Citadel wants to have an interview with you to hear first-hand information about the battle for Earth. And of course Shepard’s last moments.”

The mention of Shepard’s name made Kaidan cringe ever so slightly. He didn’t know if anyone had noticed, but even if someone had, no one said anything.

“We felt that if we would schedule a press conference, most of their questions would and could be asked and answered in one go. Perhaps some of the more tenacious ones will still try to get a ‘scope’, but we’re certain that your new bodyguards will take care of such unwanted attention.”

Jaavik nodded. Wrex and Grunt smiled in their uniquely threatening way.  Zaeed grinned and added: “We’ll make sure those bastards’ll think twice before they tangle with the Normandy’s new Captain.”

“Really? Even Jaavik?”

“Yes. It would satisfy me to sever their heads from their bodies and send them to their families.”

The silence that followed was deafening. Kaidan was about to try and explain how that was probably not the best idea when the Protean smiled.

“That was a joke. I would only incapacitate them. In a painful way.”

“Yeah, well, it’s probably a good thing then that I don’t need bodyguards. I can take care of myself.”

“Of course you can,” Wrex said as he approached Kaidan, “but what if someone becomes too pushy, hm? Would you really not give Uncle Wrex a chance to treat them to a friendly Krogan headbutt?”

“More like a friendly cracked skull, but okay, I get it. I don’t have any say in this, do I?”

“Heh-heh-heh, now you get it, Major!”

Grunt’s gentle pat on the shoulder almost made Kaidan lose his balance.

“So,” EDI said as she activated the comm in his ear, “are you ready?”

Kaidan sighed, then gave his waiting crew his most charming smile.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Good luck.”

While Grunt, Wrex, Zaeed and Jaavik took their places around him the airlock opened. The rest of the crew fell in line behind them. Those who remained behind were silently thankful for their relative anonimity. They could return to their friends, their families – at least those who’d survived – and not be too concerned about the press harassing them. But they knew that their crew mates, those who now ventured outside with Major Alenko in their midst, had to bear the brunt of it all.

The moment Kaidan set foot outside the Normandy he felt as if they’d entered a madhouse. The noise was overwhelming, cameras whizzed around them, question after question was fired at him and those around him. Most languages were neatly translated by his omni-tool, but he also heard a quite a few obscure alien dialects that his tool couldn’t make any sense of. He spotted species he’d never seen before and while part of him wondered about how that was even possible, another part of him tried desperately to keep his biotics in check. All he wanted to do right now was to break away and run, get as far away from this mind-numbing chaos as possible.

(Kaidan i am with you i am here do not run whatever happens do not run)

Kaidan scratched the base of his skull, then looked around to see if any of his companions had spoken. Neither of them paid him any attention. He groaned. This was one thing he didn’t need right now, to be hearing voices, especially not that of Shepard, be it real or imaginary. A slight shiver ran down his spine. With the name came the memory of his conversation with the ‘Reaper Shepard’. The biotic hoped that he’d never have to hear that particular voice again, and he was glad that the entity hadn’t tried to contact him after their first and hopefully last encounter back at the relay. All he wanted was to be left alone, to hear nothing but silence in his head.

The Major closed his eyes and used a fraction of his biotic abilities to ‘feel’ the presence of his friends around him, all of them as stressed as he was. It felt as if they were walking through a battlefield with enemies everywhere, which, in a weird way, they were. Not a physical fight, but a fight nonetheless.

“Through here,” came Grunt’s low voice and he felt how the Krogan gently pushed him to the left.

He heard the familiar sound of a door being unlocked. Kaidan opened his eyes and saw that they’d entered quite an impressive room, filled with row after row of still-empty seats on one side, and a long table next to the four appointed spots for the Council on the other side. The second the door shut behind them he sighed in relief. At least that part of the waking nightmare was over.

“Well, that wasn’t so bad,” he said as he was guided towards the long table that was clearly meant for him and his crew to sit behind, “when you compare it with a suicide mission.”

Grunt made a low, rumbling noise of disagreement.

“I’d rather go up against the Collectors for a second time-“

“-Or Sovereign!” Liara interjected.

“-than to go through that pack of spineless pyjaks like that again.”

“Well said, junior!”

Wrex’ roaring laughter made Kaidan smile. He noticed how Samara placed a hand on the table, then nodded as if the table had passed some kind of Justicar test.  
“I suggest we take our seat. It probably won’t be long before other people will join us.”

The arrangement was quickly taken care of with everyone agreeing that Kaidan should sit in the middle, with those who’d been with Shepard the longest seated next to him. Before the Major could ask about those who weren’t present, EDI spoke up.

“Jacob sends his regards. He is with his family and would like to stay ‘out of the spotlight’, as he put it. Jack said that she ‘hates this shit’ and would rather spend time ‘teaching those good-for-nothing students of mine how to keep their barriers up’. Jeff added that she’d probably shockwave the whole room to bits after barely one minute. Jack told him to fuck off.”

“That’s Jack and Jacob accounted for. So, where’s Garrus? And James?”

“Garrus has been recalled to Palaven to assist the newly-appointed Patriach with restoring order. He said that he’ll gladly leave all the talking to us. James has officially been enrolled in the N7-program. He received a private message from one of the remaining N7-officers prior to the Normandy docking at the Citadel. I have not heard from him since then.”

“That’s because I’ve been busy securing your comm links, compadres.”

“-Vega?”

“Hey there, Major. EDI. Everyone. Are you locos ready for the circus?”

“You’re making me really nervous, you know that?”

“Of course! It’s still part of my job description: making your life that bit more miserable, just to keep you on your toes.”

“Nice to know. And thanks. Alright, I say: Let ‘em come. We’ll eat them alive.”

At that both Wrex and Grunt sat up and said, almost simultaneously: “Did someone say ‘eat’?”

Kaidan grunted.

“Behave, both of you. I’m pretty sure the Council-“

“-is here,” added James right when the doors slid open, “so I’ll see you in a few.”

Everyone fell silent when the door opened. They saw Vega come in, along with other N7-soldiers, and as he passed his former crew mates he gave them a short nod before he took his place at the far side of the table. One by one the Council members entered. The turian Councillor, Sparatus, led the way, followed by the blue-skinned Tevos, the Salarian Councillor Valern following close behind and-

“Admiral Hackett?”

Kaidan couldn’t hide his surprise when the old, battle-scarred soldier walked into the room. Hackett had been one of the few people who’d kept his faith in Shepard and his crew, and thus in Kaidan, throughout all of their ordeals.

“Major.”

The barely noticeable shake of Hackett’s head told Kaidan that the burning question that was on his mind – and probably the minds of everyone else in the room – would have to wait. This wasn’t the time nor the place for familiarities. The entire Council stopped in front of the major. Each Councillor, including the newest member, inclined his or her head in a silent gesture of welcome.

“We are grateful to you and those who served with you, Major Alenko.”

The Asari Councillor regarded each of the Normandy’s crew in turn.

“We owe you more than words can express. Sadly, the one among you who we can never repay is  also the one who is lost to us. Your Commander never wavered in his resolve to top the Reapers. His bravery, tenacity and above all his unshakeable belief in protecting the entire galaxy against a seemingly invincible foe showed us how one man can make a difference. He fought, not just for humanity, but for all of us, for every species, even those who showed nothing but hostility towards humans or other aliens. He worked tirelessly to bring old enemies together, to forge at times the unlikeliest of alliances, to unite us with the singular goal of standing together to turn the tide of this horrendous war. In doing so Shepard made the ultimate sacrifice. Today we honor not just one man, but all those who fought with him, for him, and who, like him, sacrificed their lives to save others. Let his name forever be a symbol of unity, a memory of the hardships faced. Let us never forget Commander James Shepard, the Savior of the Citadel.”

Throughout Tevos’ speech Kaidan didn’t look away once. His smile never faltered, no matter how cramped his jaw muscles got. He tried to listen, but he kept having to force himself to not let his thoughts wander, to not think of Shepard for more than a fleeting moment. When the Asari had finished her speech he extended his hand. She gave him a strange look, then took it.

“It’s an Earth custom,” he said, unsure of whether or not she knew about it.

Not that it mattered much. He shook her hand because it felt like the right thing to do. It also made the next part a bit less difficult.

“Thank you for your kind words, Councillor. I’m sure that-“ Kaidan faltered for a second, “-that Commander Shepard would’ve appreciated them.”

When he saw how the look in her eyes softened it made him want to pull back his hand and scream at her, at everyone, to just _stop_. To stop feeling sorry for him, to not empatize with him, to not be so damned _understanding_. Was there anyone who didn’t immediately _know_ when he tensed up at having to mention Shepard? Right now he’d give anything to come face to face with a bit of good, old-fashioned indifference. To simply be around someone who didn’t have a clue as to who he was or what he’d done or that he’d worked alongside _the_ Commander Shepard. Perhaps, after this awful press conference was over, he should take a vacation. Get away from everyone, do a little soul-searching, relax, forget about everything, if only for-

“I wonder who we’re waiting for.”

Liara’s soft voice interrrupted his thoughts. He hadn’t even noticed that the Councillors had taken their seats at the other end of the room. Kaidan heard the door close, saw how the room had filled up. Most members of the press had found a seat and were now anxiously awaiting any kind of official statement. However, the Council didn’t seem to have to anything to say, at least not just yet.

“Yeah,” he said as he tried to focus on the here and now, “I mean, the Council’s here. We’re here. I’m pretty sure that most, if not all, of the journalists are here. Hey, Vega?”

He saw the eyes of the N7-recruit slowly move over the crowd before he answered.

“What’s up, Major?”

“Do you know why we haven’t started yet? The Council’s here, we’re here, and I’m pretty sure we’re not waiting on some idiot journalist who’s late. Have any idea?”

“Nah. It’s all need-to-know, even with something as straightforward as this. Hell, I didn’t even know Hackett was the new human Councillor.”

Kaidan was about to ask Vega if he might’ve caught wind of any rumors when he heard the door open. He, along with everyone else, turned his head, anxious to see who they’d been waiting for.

“I don’t think anybody knew. So, I wonder who’s important enough to-”

Kaidan’s thoughts and thus his speech came to a screeching halt, because there was no way in hell that was he saw was real. Black armor, blue lights, with a softly glowing N7-symbol on the left side of the chest. Armor that should’ve been destroyed along with its owner. He _knew_ that armor. He’d helped put it on and take it off so often he knew it inside and out. He remembered all the times that he’d come into the Captain’s cabin and parts of it had been on the floor, dented, blood-spattered, patiently waiting for their owner to clean and repair them. Kaidan also remembered the first time he’d dared to knock on the door of the small bathroom, to ask-

“By the Goddess…”

Liara’s voice intruded upon the Major’s thoughts, brought him straight back to the here and now. This, this wasn’t a hallucination, it wasn’t a dream and it certainly wasn’t his imagination gone haywire. It was impossible, yet it wasn’t. It was _real_. The man he thought he’d lost forever was here, in this room, in front of _everyone_.

“… Shepard?”

Only when the man immediately turned his head to face him did Kaidan realize that he’d spoken out loud. Grey eyes, set in a face that he knew better than his own, stared at him. Lips curved into a crooked smile. _His_ crooked smile.

“Major Alenko.”

The voice, that oh-so-familiar voice, cut through the soft murmurs like an omni-blade though steel. Silence descended as everyone saw who’d entered the room. However, the silence didn’t last long. The name of the Savior of the Citadel, the Hero of Humanity, no, of _every_ sentient race, was whispered in awe. Kaidan opened his mouth in a desperate attempt to say something, _anything_ , but his voice wouldn’t cooperate. The man who should be dead gave him one of his trademark charming winks before he turned his attention to the seated members of the Council.

“Councillors.”

One by one they inclined their heads, even Hackett, although it was clear to see that the entire Council was as baffled by this surprising turn of events as anyone else. Kaidan suspected that they’d known about the appearance of a Reaper emissary, but that they’d never expected _this_. With the mutual acknowledgements done the man turned to face the gathered press. He raised a hand and everyone fell silent aslmost immediately, curious as they were to hear him speak.

“Before we start, let me be clear: The man you once knew as Commander Shepard is gone. He’s a part of me, of us. His personality has fused with the consciousness that guides us, which resulted in the birth of something new. In the birth of _me_. I am the Reapers. I am also human. I am every race that’s ever been preserved in one of our many forms. I am Asari, Turian, Salarian, Prothean, Batarian, Gurralak, Suas, every race that’s been preserved by us over the countless cycles. I’ve chosen this form, this face, this voice, because they’re familiar to you. To all of you. I hope it’ll serve to make interacting with me, with us, slightly less frightening. I’ve found that hacking into comms or speaking directly into your minds tends to unnerve you.”

The _thing_ looked like Shepard, sounded like Shepard, but his speech was different in subtle, barely noticeable ways. When _it_ paused for a moment, Kaidan felt a slight tingling sensation in the dark recesses of his mind. He rubbed the back of his neck, unaware that he’d been doing the same every night since his first encounter with the Reaper entity. He felt strange, almost disjointed, as if this was all just a dream.

(no dream, not a dream, stay awake)

Did Shepard just speak to him? Kaidan shook his head. His implants began to respond to his rising stress levels. If he didn’t get a grip he’d either end up with a killer headache or he’d wind up unleashing his anger and his biotics on a room full of unsuspecting and innocent people. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath. Now was not the time to lose it. He exhaled slowly and focused on the table in front of him. Anything to not have to look at the imposter that stood in front of him, in front of everyone.

“However, we felt it was necessary to address you directly, which is why we created this avatar. We’ve made only one of these, of me, even though we could control multiple of these constructs simultaneously without any effort. For practical purposes we’ve decided that you may address me as Commander. Or, if you’d prefer-“ the man-that-wasn’t-a-man turned around to face Kaidan, “-you can call me Shepard.”

Kaidan knew. He _knew_ that as soon as he’d look up he’d see that thing looking straight back. The silence that had fallen lingered, until the Major couldn’t stand it any longer. He lifted his head, and the second their eyes met the human biotic found himself unable to say a word. This couldn’t be real. _He_ couldn’t be real, couldn’t be Shepard, because Shepard, _his_ Shepard, was dead. But those eyes, oh, those grey eyes, shone with the same enthusiasm, with the same ‘everything-be-damned’ look that Kaidan had grown to love over their last few months together. But no. No! This was _not_ Shepard! That _thing_ was an abomination, a final insult to the memory of the man it tried to mimic.

“You’re not Shepard,” Kaidan heard himself say as he rose from his chair.

He felt Liara’s hands try to pull him back down, heard her speak to him, but her words fell on deaf ears. EDI tried to speak to him over his comm, but he shut her off with a sharp tap of two fingers. Where before he’d tried to keep his biotics in check Kaidan now let his implants reach full power. The air around him brimmed with barely controlled energy, ready to be released at a moment’s notice.

“You’re not Shepard,” he repeated, his voice laced with the rage that had been building up inside him ever since his first encounter with the ‘improved’ Reapers, “you’re not even _human_. You talk like him, act like him, but you’re not _him_!”

The signature blue light that always accompanied human biotic abilities enveloped his body. His hands were tightened into fists. Power surged through his body. The world around him faded away until there was nothing left but himself and the _thing_ that carried Shepard’s face. The darkness that had threatened to swallow him back on the Normandy, that he’d carried deep within him ever since he’d learned that the real Commander Shepard had died, drowned out every other emotion except rage.

“You’re not Shepard! Shepard’s dead, and _you_ -“ every muscle in his body tensed as the growing anger within him reached its peak, “YOU KILLED HIM!”

The table exploded when his biotics ripped through it. Cries of fear filled the room, but Kaidan was oblivious to the chaos he’d caused. All he could see was the monster that had taken away the man he’d loved, the thing that had apparently withstood one of his most powerful attacks. Another attempt at throwing his adversary across the room followed. This time the enraged biotic saw a faint blue outline flicker into existance his attack reached ‘Shepard’, but other than that, nothing happened.

With an almost primal cry of anger Kaidan attempted to lift his opponent, but apart from the debris around the Commander shooting off into the air, the intended target didn’t budge. The biotic quickly changed his tactic and decided to hit the invisible force field with a straight-on attack. This time ‘Shepard’ raised a hand to withstand the attack. The small success made the Major smile; he quickly followed up with another straight hit against the field, which had the man hiding behind it take a step backwards. Another success, so he attacked again, and again, alternating between trying to either lift the construct or break through his field. With each attempt he took one step closer to the target of his anger while continuing his brutal assault, until he stood right in front of the Reaper replica.

By now the thing that had called itself Shepard had fallen to one knee, both arms stretched in front of him in a defensive posture, but none of Kaidan’s vicious attacks had breached the protective field.

“Why aren’t you fighting back?” he yelled in frustration while he kept on attacking this mockery of a man.

“Why are you just standing there, why don’t you just DIE?”

Another attack, and another. Each time the barrier shimmered, flickered, but didn’t disappear. The attacks continued, until suddenly Shepard looked up. Their eyes met and, again, Kaidan couldn’t look away. The all too familiar mouth curved into a sly and alarmingly confident grin.

“Where would be the fun in that?”

Without warning the Commander got up. His hand breached Kaidan’s faintly glowing barrier as if it wasn’t even there. Strong fingers closed around the Major’s throat. His biotics went haywire. The air around the two of them crackled with energy and Kaidan suddenly found himself fighting for air. His hands were clawing helplessly at the hand around his throat. His rage all but dissipated to give way to a much more primal urge: survival. Gone was his self-pity, his anger. Rational thought returned to him, made him realize how incredibly stupid he’d been to even think he could take on a Reaper construct. He struggled, even kicked at the man holding him, but it was like hitting a concrete wall.

A soft crackling noise cut through the utter cacophony of people running around, calling for help, screaming their heads off. His inactive comm had unexpectedly come alive again and he heard a voice, clear as day, address him.

“… Alenko. Major Kaidan Alenko. I know you can hear me.”

Kaidan shuddered. Those were the exact same words that Reaper had spoken to him back on the Normandy’s hull. As soon as this realization hit him Kaidan saw the fake Shepard smile and wink at him.

“Alenko. Kaidan. Talk to me. I know you can hear me. Please answer me.”

A cold shiver ran down his spine. It was eerie enough to hear the same voice speak the same words in the exact same manner as that first time, but it was downright frightening to hear someone’s voice without them opening their mouth. The incredible stupidity of his own actions hit him like the proverbial truck. He had no choice; all he could do now was comply in whatever way possible. He ceased his struggle, which immediately resulted in Shepard relaxing his iron grip on his throat.

“Y-yes, I, I can hear you,” he managed to say in no more than a hoarse whisper.

“Good.”

The tingling sensation in the back of his mind grew stronger for a few moments, until a blinding white flash inside his own head made Kaidan whimper in pain. The strange sensation dissipated and the smile on Shepard’s face wavered the tiniest bit.

“Our previous conversation got cut short because of your incredible stubbornness. Now, are you going to be a good little soldier and obey your precious _Commander_?”

The grip on his throat tightened again.

“Or do I have to be a bit more forceful?”

Even though the tingling sensation didn’t return the mental assault that now took its place made Kaidan wish it had. His thoughts were crushed, pulled apart, turned inside-out, made it almost impossible to even _think_. His heartbeat sped up, adrenalin rushed through his veins and the mother of all headaches made its pounding presence known. Pain. Nothing but searing hot pain resonated inside his skull and he screamed in agony.

“Yes! Yes, please, I’LL DO WHAT YOU WANT, JUST STOP!”

(YOU WILL STOP RIGHT NOW)

The storm that raged in the Major’s head abruptly died down. The hand on his throat relaxed enough for Kaidan to breathe properly. While he was still being held up in the air he felt the fake Shepard sway from side to side ever so slightly, as if he’d been physically hit in the head by someone. It appeared that the voice he’d heard during that first Reaper-encounter had seemingly intervened on his behalf. Both his head and his heart felt empty, but in a good way. Kaidan carefully brought both his hands up, placed them on Shepard’s wrist and flashed him a confident grin.

“Perhaps you can let go of me now?”

Shepard’s smile faltered. An uncanny blue light lit up the replica’s grey eyes and for the first time Kaidan sensed the immense, combined intelligence that made up the Reapers stare back at him.

“We will make you listen, Major Kaidan Alenko.”

Shepard’s voice was no longer singular, but carried within it the echoes of voices and languages long lost and gone. A frightening cold slowly seeped into his soul. This was a boundless, ancient intelligence that didn’t care about the mortal life of one incredibly stupid biotic in the least. Yet in spite of this knowledge, despite his own fears, he’d be damned before he’d give in without a fight.

“I’d like to see you try.”

Kaidan was proud to hear that he actually managed to sound smug. The light behind Shepard’s eyes intensified. The grip on his throat tightened again, but before Kaidan could lift his hands to try and pry those unyielding fingers off him the light died down and Shepard released him. Unable to keep himself from falling over Kaidan sank to his knees, relieved to be free.

“This isn’t over, Kaidan.”

With these last words, spoken out loud by Shepard, the Major’s comm deactivated itself. Kaidan slumped to the floor, exhausted, a real headache establishing a foothold fast, his body aching all over, his stomach screaming for food. Only now did the sounds of the chaos around him reach him.

“Kaidan? Kaidan, finally!”

It was Liara who reached him first, whose soft, confident hands examined his body, touched his bruised throat. He winced, tried to pull away from her prying fingers, but she’d have none of it.

“Now stay still. Does your throat hurt? Can you speak?”

Kaidan nodded.

“Y-yeah, I can speak, but it hurts like hell. Liara, what happened? Are the others alright?”

“Yes. Wrex, Grunt and Jaavik oversaw the evacuation. Zaeed ‘persuaded’ a few hot-headed reporters who insisted on staying behind that it would be in their best interest if they were to ‘vacate the premises’. He was very _diplomatic_ about it.”

Gentle fingers applied medi-gel to his throat which immediately took the edge off the pain. Kaidan sighed in relief. If only his already-pounding headache could be treated in the same way.

“EDI took Joker to the Normandy by commandeering a vehicle, even though Joker protested quite vocally and said that he didn’t want to leave you. Tali and Samara escorted the Council members to safety along with a few of James’ squad mates. James stayed behind with me to keep an eye on you. We wanted to help, but the Reapers, they’d erected a force field around the two of you. We could see you, we could see _him_ , but we couldn’t reach or even hear you. What happened, Kaidan? When you attacked him, I was sure Sh- he wouldn’t survive. You really gave us quite a scare. First when we thought you’d killed him, and then when we thought he was about to kill you.”

The medi-gel had worked its magic on his throat, but his headache grew worse by the second. Kaidan took a deep breath to try and explain what had happened, when a polite cough made Liara and him look up.

“Major.”

Hackett’s voice was soft, yet commanding. Liara stood up and almost saluted, while Kaidan tried to stand up, but his legs wouldn’t cooperate.

“Admiral.”

“Major Alenko, you are suspended until further notice. You are to report to C-Sec Headquarters where you’ll be taken into custody pending an investigation into your actions. You’re also relieved of command of the Normandy until further notice. Your Spectre-level access to the Citadel systems will be revoked. I trust that you’ll follow these instructions without me having to order mister Vega to arrest you.”

James, who stood behind Admiral Hackett, avoided Kaidan’s eyes.

“Sorry, compadres.”

It was all he could say before Hackett turned his head.

“Mister Vega, I also trust that your former association with Major Alenko and miss T’Soni won’t cause any problems when it comes to my direct orders?”

Vega stood at attention and saluted immediately.

“Sir, yes, sir!”

“Good to hear.”

Hacket turned his attention back to Kaidan and Liara. His face softened.

“I know this couldn’t have been easy for you, Major, so rest assured that I’ll pull every string I can to see to it that certain extenuating circumstances are taken into account. However, and I cannot emphasize this enough, the Council can’t ignore what you did today. You attacked an official emissary of the Reapers, who have become our allies since Shepard’s sacrifice. We can’t let this go unpunished.”

Kaidan nodded. Hackett extended his hand, which he gladly took after a moment’s hesitation. With both the Admiral’s and Liara’s help he was able to get up. He still felt awfully dizzy, but with Liara supporting him he at least felt certain he wouldn’t fall down right away. 

“Of course. And sir, I’d like to request that you give EDI temporary command of, well, herself. She’s proven to be a very capable captain in her own right.”

“Request granted. I don’t like this any more than you do, Major, but it has to be done. I’m sad to say I’ll see you in court.”

With that Hackett walked past them to the two waiting N7-members who would escort him back to his office, leaving behind a thoroughly regretful Major who’d never before in his life had wished that he could turn back time.

“Well, that went sort of better and worse than I’d expected,” James remarked, before he gave Kaidan a friendly pat on the back.

The biotic groaned in protest, and was about to tell his friend off when he saw the broad grin on the other’s face.

“Did I mention that it’s really great to see you guys again? Damn, I missed this crazy-assed stuff!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter look longer than I expected it to, simply because I kept rewriting the part where Kaidan meets 'the Shepard' for the first time. Each time I wrote it it didn't feel right. I really hope this one conveyed the strong emotions both sides had when they finally clashed. I sincerely hope the next chapter won't take this long, but I can't make any promises.


	6. Hidden

It wasn’t being imprisoned that Kaidan had dreaded; it was the solitude that he knew would get to him. Sure, he’d been planning on taking an extended shore leave in Anderson’s apartment, but that was different. He would’ve been able to distract himself, be surrounded by what he hoped would be mostly pleasant memories, and maybe come to terms with all that had happened. But in here, in this small cell, distracting himself would be incredibly difficult, especially since all he could think about was how Shepard must’ve felt during his time in this same prison facility.

Once his thoughts had turned to Shepard they inevitably lead to him remembering their last minutes together. He still dreamed of that haunting, almost-dead look in Shepard’s eyes while he felt Liara’s arms around him to stop him from following his Commander, of that final moment when the Normandy’s shuttle bay doors had closed, of the very last time that Kaidan had laid eyes on the man he’d grown to respect and eventually love. He knew he’d probably relive those moments over and over again in the coming night, without any kind of reprieve.

At least, that’s how it should’ve gone. He should’ve been haunted by memories and bad dreams during a night that would’ve seemed to go on forever, until his waking and sleeping moments merged into the kind of unreality where everything he saw or heard would remind him of what he’d lost. However, the universe had different plans with a certain almost-broken, battle-scarred biotic. Sleep eluded him, no matter what he tried. Not even Liara’s meditation techniques could ease his mind or his body. After an hour of useless attempts at trying to fall asleep, Kaidan’s temper and biotics flared up.

“DAMN IT!”

His fist left a crack in the impeccably white wall, the blue haze that always accompanied his use of his biotics slowly fading from his hand. He hadn’t even been aware his implants had activated. A frustrated sigh escaped him as he admitted to himself that this was going to be a sleepless night. No matter how hard he tried, his thoughts always circled back to either his last memory of Shepard or, well, what had happened afterwards.

Kaidan sat down on his bed and lowered his head into his hands. Behind his eyes he could feel how the tell-tale symptoms of an implant-induced migraine were growing in strength again now that he’d inadvertently used his biotics. He just didn’t want to think about _anything_ , least of all Shepard. It wasn’t fair. None of it was. That man should’ve died the day he gave his life to save the galaxy, yet barely three days ago he’d talked to what had to be nothing more than a remnant of Shepard’s personality. And today, today he’d _seen_ Shepard, in all his former glory, his body restored, and the two of them had _fought_ , with Kaidan refusing to admit what everyone had so readily accepted, because it hadn’t been _him_.

The first wave of the impending migraine hit him. A long, drawn-out groan forced its way up from deep within his chest, up through his throat and out of his mouth. He used the tips of his fingers to massage his scalp in what he knew would ultimately be a futile effort to stave off the nausea and the pain. For a moment he thought about asking for painkillers, but what would be the point? He knew they’d only dull the pain and would wear off eventually. Better to face it head-on and hope that it would pass in less than eight hours.

A second wave of pain, this time combined with the dreaded nausea, made Kaidan groan even louder. He began to rub the parts of his skull that were directly above his implants in a fruitless attempt to somehow ease the throbbing, pounding feeling. Ever so slowly he laid down on his back, kept on massaging his head for a while longer until a third, fourth and fifth wave of mind-numbing pain and nausea hit him. By then he knew he’d have to brace himself for a long night filled with the occasional bouts of throwing up, which would be interspersed by feverous wishes of never having received his implants, combined with thanking whatever deity would listen to him that he was one of the lucky ones with ‘merely’ the intermittently returning debilitating migraines. 

(Kaidan)

No pain. It was the first thing Kaidan noticed when he opened his eyes to find he was surrounded by darkness. He wanted to sit up, but his body felt too heavy to move. He turned his head to try and take a look at the cell door, but again there was only darkness, which didn’t make any sense. He should’ve at least seen the dimmed lights of the hallway. But there was no door and there was no hallway. There was darkness, and silence. Silence that was broken by his own heavy breathing. But he’d heard his name, he was sure of it. Did someone come to visit him?

(Kaidan.)

He still couldn’t move his arms, his legs. He couldn’t sit up. It was dark and it was silent and Kaidan grew more frustrated by the minute. With his breathing the only sound that kept him company, his annoyance soon turned into outright anger. Anger at his situation, anger at Hackett, anger at the Reapers, the universe, at _Shepard_. With his migraine mysteriously gone he had no qualms about accessing his implants. To his surprise they were active, ready to be used, almost as if his body had been waiting for him to call upon them.

He clenched his fists, gritted his teeth. His eyes started to glow a soft blue which bled onto his skin, crept along his face, covered his head, his neck, chest, arms, legs. The glow intensified, the air around him hummed, then crackled. He still couldn’t move, which only fueled his anger. Anger became rage, a rage that coursed through his veins, set his blood on fire, sparked, then fueled a hatred that he didn’t know he possessed. It drowned out his sorrow, his sadness, his self-loathing as it broke free with a explosion of biotic power that tore apart the darkness that had shrouded his mind.

Life returned to his limbs while light returned to the world. Kaidan sat up, swung his legs over the side of his bed, tried to stand. The next moment he was on his hands and knees. Bile rose in his throat. He vomited once, twice, three times, then almost a fourth when he saw what his body had rejected. It was a writhing, oozing mass of black wires with dark-blue smudges and fluorescent, blue-white fluids. To his disgust Kaidan saw that the former contents of his stomach kept rearranging itself in what at first seemed to be a random manner. However, when a bunch of wires tangled together and shot out to try and attach itself to his hand he realized that this loathsome _thing_ was sentient.

“Kaidan.”

A voice. THE voice. _His_ voice. Shepard’s voice. Kaidan looked around as he tried to get away from whatever the hell it was that he’d thrown up, but he was alone. The writhing bundle of wires and fluids coalesced into an animal-like shape, with five tentacle-like appendages as it began to blindly scramble about in a frantic search for the body it’d been expelled from. With a cry of horror Kaidan got up and moved backwards. When his back hit a wall he realized that he was still in his cell, alone with this monstrosity.

As if the horrible thing sensed the biotic’s thoughts it began to crawl around until it hit a wall. A wire-thin tentacle attached itself to the wall, after which it began to move along it, in the direction of its intended prey.

“Oh no you DON’T!”

Where before it had taken him a tremendous effort to summon and use his biotics, this time his implants powered up almost instantly. The resulting shockwave ripped through the thing and tore it to shreds, along with the entire floor of the cell. The edges wavered, shimmered, then dissolved into nothingness. The floor disappeared, the walls, the ceiling. His bunk floated in the darkness for a moment, then it too disappeared. Only then did Kaidan see that it wasn’t true darkness.

Little pinpricks of light sprang into existence, a few at first, but then more and more until he was surrounded by lights, no, by _stars_. He recognized some of the constellations. A sense of wonder filled him. As he floated there, among brightly blazing suns, he grinned. His nasty nightmare was quickly turning into one of his better dreams.

“Kaidan.”

Something briefly touched the back of his neck. He turned around. Nothing. But it had been that voice again. Shepard’s voice. _His_ Shepard’s voice.

“I am here.”

Warm breath near his ear. Whispered words, filled with longing. Again Kaidan turned around, his arms outstretched to try and catch the not-so-mysterious stranger. Again nothing.

“Shepard!”

He sounded hoarse. Gravity gained a grip on him. He felt how it tugged him in the direction of a particular star. He was longer floating, he was slowly falling. Tumbling through space. Suddenly the light of the stars wasn’t comforting any longer. It was too cold, too distant. He felt so small, so insignificant. Lost. Alone.

“Shepard… Shepard! James, where are you?”

The emptiness surrounded him. It pushed down on him, made him fall ever faster. Starlight streaked past him, colours were fading, he was tumbling through space, forever lost, forever-

“I’ve got you.”

Two strong arms embraced him. A warm body pressed itself against his back. Everything stopped.

“I’m here, Kaidan. I’m with you.”

Safe. He was safe. Safe in the arms of the man he’d loved and lost. Kaidan closed his eyes. He reached behind him with one arm, placed his other on the familiar arms that hugged him tight. His fingers touched the back of Shepard’s head. A deep, longing sigh fell from his lips.

“Shepard…”

“Kaidan…”

Kaidan felt how Shepard gently turned him around. When they were face to face he hardly dared to look at the Savior of the Galaxy, his Commander, his friend, his lover.

“Major Alenko, look at me.”

The friendly way in which the ‘order’ was given made Kaidan’s heart beat faster. From the moment the other Shepard had spoken to him he’d known he hadn’t been talking to the real one. But this, this dream image, this figment of his imagination, this was _him_. This was Commander James Shepard. _His_ Shepard.

He looked up. His eyes met those beautiful grey ones that featured in his dreams and his nightmares. Both his hands touched Shepard’s chest. He was wearing that N7-hoodie with a simple shirt underneath, the kind of shirt that had always made Kaidan want nothing more than to tear it off right there and then whenever he’d laid eyes on him. His fingers, spurred on by these happy memories, began to tuck at the sturdy fabric.

“Now, now, those are hardly the kind of demure thoughts one would expect from the second human Spectre.”

Kaidan froze.

“How do you know what I’m thinking?”

The image of the wrong Shepard, the Reaper Shepard, appeared in his mind. His whole body stiffened, but James would have none of it. The hands on his back started to gently caress the tensed-up muscles, while he made soft, hushing sounds.

“This is all just a dream, remember? Everything can happen in a dream. Who knows, you might even be able to talk to the real Shepard, the one trapped inside the entity that has introduced itself to the Council as The Shepard.”

“What?”

This all sounded a bit too rational, too logical, to be a mere dream.

“Wait… Are you saying this is real? This, this isn’t a _dream_?”

The sound of Shepard’s laughter warmed his heart, made his stomach do a familiar kind of twist. If this was real, then that meant-

“Not necessarily. It’s complicated, I’m afraid.”

Shepard’s fingers kept caressing his back. The tension in Kaidan’s body slowly dissipated as the tried to make sense of the situation.

“But, if this is real, then what, no, _how_? What’s going on here? What’s that _thing_ doing with your body?”

“Let’s sit for a moment.”

With the kind of displacement that could only happen in dreams the two of them were suddenly seated on the couch in the captain’s cabin on the Normandy. Shepard was still clad in his casual clothes, and Kaidan discovered that we was also wearing his casual attire. In his left hand he held a glass of scotch, in his right a red rose. Shepard placed a hand on his right leg, and the smile that appeared on _his_ Commander’s face made Kaidan fall in love with him all over again.

“Hey there, stranger. Long time no see.”

For a moment Kaidan could do nothing but stare at Shepard before he looked at the rose. He held it up, examined it, then offered it to the man he’d given his heart to. James took it from him, admired the deep red of the petals, smelled it, then his smile grew into one of his devilishly charming grins.

“Thanks. I miss the smell of flowers. Of anything, really. It’s kinda dull, being stuck inside the hive mind of the Reapers. Before I merged with them they’d never had an original thought. They really were nothing but machines, Kaidan. Programmed to pursue a single purpose until the end of time.”

Shepard sighed. The rose disappeared into thin air, and his grin faded.

“It was you, wasn’t it?” Kaidan asked softly.

“You were the voice I kept hearing, the _good_ one. How can that be? Aren’t you part of the Reapers now? I mean, you sacrificed yourself, you merged with them to become their guiding consciousness. So how can there be two of you?”

The look on Shepard’s face darkened. A cold look appeared in his eyes, the same cold look Kaidan had seen when his commander had told him about his past, and the biotic knew what the answer would be. His lips formed the name of a place James had only mentioned in that one conversation.

“Elysium.”

That single word was all it took to make all the colour drain from Shepard’s face. He hung his head in shame. In the silence that fell Kaidan tried to remember every detail he’d read in the file the commander had given him. It had contained highly classified information, the kind only the highest ranks in the military had access to. Hackett had known, as had every other commanding officer of Shepard’s. Yet in spite of this information James had been asked to join the N7-program. This feat spoke volumes about how highly they’d valued Shepard’s abilities. Kaidan wondered if they’d also known about his ever-present need to redeem himself, if that had been a factor as well.

“Yes.”

Shepard’s voice was soft. When he finally looked up the Major saw how those grey eyes were now filled with regret and anger, how his lover’s hands were clenched into fists.

“Elysium. No matter how hard I try, my past refuses to stay buried. You know what I did. I hate that part of me. I hate the man I was back then. People kept calling me a hero, but all I could see was the blood on my hands. All I could hear were the screams of the pain I’d inflicted. All I could feel was the hatred that had burned within me when I _slaughtered_ those Batarians. I hate that part of me!”

“Shepard…”

The glass with scotch disappeared. Kaidan moved close to Shepard, placed his hands on his lover’s fists.

“You stopped being that man the moment you decided you didn’t want to be that man any longer. I’ve read the file, I’ve read _everything_ , and I still love you. Because _that_ isn’t you. This-“ he squeezed Shepard’s hands, “- _this_ is you. This is the man you are. You are the man who commanded the Normandy, who inspired his crew to go above and beyond the call of duty. Hell, Shepard, you even came back from the _dead_ to finish the job!”

He took Shepard’s face in his hands, moved closer until there was barely an inch left between them.

“You are the man whose kind words, whose friendship, whose trust took a broken biotic and made him whole. You inspired me. You made me a better man, you healed the wounds I thought would never heal.”

He leaned forward and placed a loving kiss on the lips he’d never expected to taste again. When he moved away he inhaled the other man’s breath. Kaidan looked at Shepard, who’d closed his eyes, and saw how tears rolled down those beautiful, pale cheeks. He felt the wetness on his fingers, and he leaned forward to kiss him a second time.

(Kaidan)

A voice in his head. Hands on his back. A tongue that greedily sought entrance to his mouth. Warmth rushed through his veins. His cheeks burned. His hands slid underneath Shepard’s arms. A tight, four-armed embrace pushed his body against Shepard’s, pushed Shepard’s against his. If this was a dream, then he didn’t want it to end. He never wanted to be alone again.

(I’m afraid you have no choice)

Without warning Shepard’s body dissolved. Kaidan opened his eyes, ready to call out, only to be blinded by a bright flash of light. The room was gone and he was back in his cell. A cry of pure agony echoed through the room as he sank to his knees. He tried to call upon his biotics like he’d done before, but they were strangely unresponsive.

“Shepard, NO! Don’t leave me, please, don’t leave me again!”

(I have to go)

“Why? WHY? What’s going on? Please, just TELL ME! What does Elysium have to do with this?”

(he is me)

“… what?”

(he is my past)

“That, that doesn’t make sense. How can he be you? How can you be two people?”

(he is what I used to be)

“What you did on Mindoir, on Elysium-“

(yes)

“Are you telling me that you’ve been hiding that part of yourself from everyone for all those years?”

(not hiding)

(repressing)

“Repressing? You mean… You once told me that if I hadn’t been with you when we’d met the Rachni Queen-“

(I would have killed her)

“Are you actually implying that I’ve been a good influence on you?”

(not implying)

(stating)

Kaidan shook his head. How could a man such as himself have been a good influence on _him_?

“That other Shepard, the _wrong_ one, he’s the part of you that was capable of all those atrocities.”

(he is what I had to become to survive)

“And the Reapers, they chose him over you? How did that even happen?”

(they were more compatible)

“WHAT?”

(they rejected me)

(they accepted him)

“They were more compatible? In what way? Why would they not want to join with someone like you?”

(I have to go you’re waking up)

“No, stay with me! I can’t-“

(you can)

“I, I don’t know what to do without you.”

(yes you do)

(you are stronger than you give yourself credit for)

“Not without you.”

(you have to be)

“I, I’ll try. I know I have to, for myself, for the others. But how can we fight _you_?”

(you’ll find a way, but beware of the other)

“Why?”

(he wants _you_ )

“What? Shepard… Shepard? SHEPARD!”

* * *

“SHEPARD!”

Kaidan sat up straight the moment he woke. Cold sweat had pooled beneath his armor. It had all been a dream, hadn’t it? This other Shepard, the way he’d talked to him, _with_ him, it had all been a little too coherent, too rational for it to be a dream. It hadn’t even _felt_ like a dream. And- He reached for his head, then realized that his migraine had disappeared. He felt good, great even. Not even tired in the slightest. Could that be Shepard’s doing? And his implants, they felt ‘fresh’, ready to be used, as if he hadn’t pushed them to their limits the day before.

Elysium. Kaidan knew he had to read the file again. He did remember most of it, but the details eluded him. If what had happened there had to do with the Reaper Shepard, then it was imperative that he knew _everything_ there was to know about that part of Shepard’s past. Preferably as soon as possible, but without his Spectre-status he’d have to rely on others. Soft footsteps outside his cell interrupted his thoughts. He looked up, and a familiar face greeted him.

“Kaidan, are you alright? I thought I heard you shout something.”

Liara’s soft voice was like music to his ears, a voice of reason after the weird and wonderful night he’d been through.

“Yeah, I just, I think I had a nightmare, that’s all. A really _vivid_ one.”

He swung his legs over the edge of his bunk, placed his feet on the floor and got up slowly. His head still felt fine, no residual pains of the killer migraine from last night at all. He sighed in relief, and smiled. This was all the proof he needed that everything he’d experienced had been real, no matter how crazy it sounded.

“So, eh, why are you here?”

Liara crossed her arms. The expression on her face couldn’t be called anything but smug.

“I am your legal representative.”

“You’re my- Wait, did the Council approve of that? Wouldn’t you be considered biased?”

She shook her head.

“When admiral Hackett informed us of the proper procedure I offered my services as a legal aid. I have been dealing with legal and _illegal_ issues on a daily basis these past few years. The fact that I am your friend is of no concern. I am more than just a pretty face, you know.”

Kaidan chuckled at her subtle hint and joke. He couldn’t help himself, Liara always managed to see the bright side of things and stay optimistic, even when faced with the gravest of odds.

“Beautiful and intelligent. You’re quite the catch. I’m lucky to have you as my representative. And my friend.”

The young Asari winked at him.  
“You bet I am. I’ll see to it that you’re given an opportunity to freshen up and change into something that’s a bit more fitting for a court room.”  
“Wait, are you saying I’m on trial _today_?”

“I’m afraid you are. The Council has made special arrangements. You have attacked an official emissary after all.”  
“I know. I heard Hackett the first time. But this fast… It’s not how things usually go.”

“That’s the official story. But my contacts told me a different one. _He_ insisted that you be put on trial as fast as possible. I don’t know why. Something’s going on here, Kaidan. Something strange.”

“I know.”

At that Liara raised her eyebrows.

“You know? How is that possible?”

“I’ll explain later, or at least I hope I can. Everything’s gone from slightly weird to downright bizarre in less than twenty-four hours.”

Kaidan stretched his arms, his legs, turned his head a few times to get all the kinks out of his muscles.

“First things first. I could really use a shower and a change of clothes. My armor’s starting to smell.”

“I don’t think that’s your armor.”

“HEY!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took much longer than I had anticipated, because I kept getting distracted by other things like Deus Ex: Human Revolution, Heroes of the Storm and writing an original story. Anyway, this chapter was even harder to write than the previous one, because I kept going back to change the dream sequence. I hope it was to your liking, it really took a lot out of me. I hope the next chapter will be written a lot faster than this one! Thank you for reading this and for your patience. ^^


	7. A Message from the Author

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's call it an interlude on the author's behalf.

Hey everyone, it's me, the author, speaking. I apologize profusely for kind of abandoning this story. I lost my muse half-way through the chapter that was to come next and I've only recently got it back, so to speak. I have been re-reading and editing the previous chapters. Nothing major, just small changes, rewriting sentences, getting rid of superfluous details, adding little things in, overhauling the story to reflect what I hope is a better grasp of the English language. After I'm done with this I will focus on rewriting the next chapter, because I am not happy with it at all. It shows that I was slowly losing my muse, and the characters weren't behaving like they should. I cannot predict when I'll post the next chapter, but this story isn't truly abandoned. I want to write the ending, because, like you, I'm curious to see how it'll play out exactly. I've got the main story all figured out, but the details? We'll just have to wait and see.

I hope the story will continue to do the awesome Mass Effect-franchise justice. I don't think I will ever again come across a game that has had such an impact on me as this one (although Deus Ex: Human Revolution does come very close).

Thank you for reading this and thank you for your patience.

Update: All of the previous chapters have been re-read and updated. The next chapter - 'Trial and Error' - is finally underway.

 


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